After my birth, my mother couldn’t take me home because she had drugs in her system. My father said he never came back for me because my grandparents told him he would never get custody of me. So, he just gave up and stop checking for me. My mother’s role in my life was like the character in your favorite sitcom that pops in for a guest appearance every few episodes.  I found out my mother was in jail when I was five years old. I wasn't mad because she was in jail I was angry that she lied. I remember waiting on the stairs in front of my great grandmother’s house for hours waiting for my mother to come get me. I haven't given up on too many things in my life but I couldn't bear that pain. I couldn't understand why my mother didn't want me. I was blessed because I had my great grandmother and my grandfather to take care of me. They gave me all the unconditional love I needed. 

Time went by and my grandparents got sick. First my great grandmother, fell and broke her hip and passed away from a kidney infection. To be honest before my grandmother passed away I didn't know pain or the harsh realities that life had to offer. When she passed away, I think I loss a piece of my innocence. When I found out she had died, I had a hard time breathing. Ten years later, my grandfather was diagnosed with dementia and had three strokes the following year. He lived five years after he had the stroke and passed away on August 3rd, 2013. My grandparents created a paradise for me filled with unconditional love. I didn't have them in my life if I may have wanted, but the time we did have was well spent. I was able to take care of both of my grandparents before they passed away. Because of them the pain of not having my parents didn't haunt me to have after they were gone. I have always wondered why my parents never came back for me. As I got older I was able to understand that life happens and when adversity comes you have to face it. To be honest I wouldn't be the person I am if I would have grew up with my parents. My grandparents taught me how to empower myself with love. They gave me discipline. They pushed me to be my best self. They always let me know they were in my corner and because of them I'm a better person. At 32 I carry a lot of pain, I turned out to be a good kid and sometimes I feel like my parents didn't give me the effort I felt like I deserved. I never wanted them to be perfect I just wanted them to show me that they loved me. I guess that was the trade off, I got grandparents that loved me unconditionally and I parents that never really showed me that they loved me, outside of my mother giving birth to me and not having an abortion. Me and my mother argue all the time and I don't think she realizes that I just want her to show me that she loves me by giving effort to be a part of my life. After all that I've been through with my mother, I still forgive her for everything. When I graduated from college, my graduation was at the Barclay’s Center, and I gave her a ticket even though my better judgement said not to. She picked up the ticket night before graduation, only to call me on my graduation day, to tell me that she couldn't make it. I shouldn't have been surprised but it took me back to a place I fought so hard to get away from my whole life. But as Maya Angelou said, “Still I rise”. So, after all the pain I still forgive.

When my mother calls me the first thing she says is, “Why haven't you called me?”. It's crazy that I'm able to take all the pain I feel and all the anger I have inside of me and translate that energy into joy. When she calls, I listen to her, I give her advice or just give her the attention she seeks because I know the feeling. I wish I had parents that could teach me and push me, but I guess the adversity that my parents have put me through has made me stronger, so if all worked out for the better. I finally met my father after 31 years. I'm glad that I got to close that chapter and at 32 I wouldn't change any of my experiences because it made me KoolforLife.

My grandparents planted seeds in me that still grow to this day. In order for me to receive their love, I had to deal with the pain that their children would bring me. It was even exchange and it was a blessing. I am a better man for it. To my grandparents I pray I'm making you proud, I made something out of myself and I promise to continue to do so until the day I die. I will never forget what you did for me and I love you so much. You are the reason I want to change the world, you are the reason why I have so much love in my heart and my life. You were the best blessing I have and will ever receive. Thank you for everything, I still feel your presence and I miss you. I will see you soon, just not too soon.

Originally published 9/11/17